Cameron calls for Inquiry

ROUTERS -- London Office

David Cameron, leader of the opposition Conservative Party, stunned the assembled press this morning by launching into a London department store owner style tirade against the Government and calling for a public inquiry into the earthquake which swept across the UK in the early hours of Wednesday morning.

"There has been a cover-up of gargantuan proportions and we will get to the bottom of it. The Government, the British Geological Society, GCSEHQ - they're all in on it!" Cameron asserted.  "Think about it.  Big ground shakes. No damage? No fall-out?  No lessons to be learned? Come on!  There must be at least some mileage we can make out of it, surely?".

"It's not acceptable in this day and age, with the technology we have available, and the resources that we have in this country," blasted Cameron, "that we, the Opposition, are able to gain not the slightest amount of political capital from a naturally-occurring event such as an earthquake.  We shall be pressing the Prime Minister about this matter of purely selfish political interest and will demand answers in the Commons.  And then I've got a photo-op at a special needs school if you're interested."

Shadow Home Secretary, David Davis is to send a delegation to the epicentre of the earthquake when the weather is a little nicer and once Conservative Central Office has identified where Market Rasen is located and determined if it's a marginal Tory seat.  "I know a nice country club with a gorgeous 9-hole course in the area," said Davis.

"If it's where I think it is and it's still there," he added.

Boris Johson, MP, and Candidate for the London Mayoral post declined to comment as he was not aware of the earthquake and anyway "these people in the sticks make mountains out of molehills, don't they?".
Ruffled, dishevelled, disorientated and bewildered, he was however wheeled on as an example of the possible psychological effects of experiencing a severe earth tremor.