Minimum pedestrian speed law planned

In line with current thinking on exercise and public health, the UK Government is considering radical new plans to enforce a minimum pedestrian speed limit, according to leaked reports obtained by someone we know but funnily enough can't remember the name of.

Health experts have recently sought to measure "moderate exercise" and pinpointed the figure to be "one hundred steps per minute".  According to the leaked Government papers, it is this precise figure which will form the backbone of the new minimum pedestrian speed limit legislation.

Security analysts believe that the Police are in favour of the proposed law, despite the additional burden it would place on officers, because they see it as forming part of the necessary arsenal of judicial powers at their disposal to prevent terrorism, anti-social loitering and littering.  

Countryside campaigners have sought assurances from the Government that the minimum steps per minute rate would only apply in built-up areas, and that the casual walker or weekend rambler would be unaffected by the proposed laws.

It is thought that Police Officers would be empowered to show discretion when administering on-the-spot fines for law-breakers and would be equipped with new handheld radar devices to identify suspected offenders.  Discretionary powers would apply on a case-by-case basis where the elderly and infirm, injured or disabled might otherwise technically flout the law. 

Tourists, prostitutes, those pushing prams, and people pulling shopping baskets, are not believed to be amongst the exempt groups.  Special zones set up around schools with a higher steps per minute minimum will target paedophiles, slovenly students, and teachers who should have retired years ago.

If the initial law proves successful, experts predict that the technology will advance so that the rate of meandering of the person could be measured and taken into account as an additional consideration for a prosecution. 

A spokesman from Age Concern, when asked about the new law and its effect on the older citizen, expressed concern.