The Weakly Output

Ah, Dear Reader, you perhaps thought (and hoped!) that I had forgotten about my already-irregular-and-infrequent-after-only-one-week-of-posting-it regular column on the weekly free newspaper which often adorns my local hedgerows when it is not delivered free to my door? 

Trouble your mind no more, Dear Reader, for here it is, hot off the presses - although somewhat colder once it was retrieved from the bundle inside a skip on the other side of the village near the motorway.

This week in the Weakly Output, we learn many things:

1.  that it is perfectly possible to construct a challenging word search puzzle from only nine words pertaining to a local car valet business.

2.  that there is a new supplier of building plastics opening in the town (double-page spread no less!) - yay!  The local retail jigsaw puzzle is now complete!  How did we survive before this Gift from Upon High? 
Visit them today for "unmatched service" the advert says - which presumably means they haven't quite got enough of the branded overalls to go around, or something?
By the way, guttering and the like seems now to be termed "roofline solutions" apparently, which to my mind makes perfect sense.  (There's "shine" and "wax" - this is too easy!)

3.  that you can choose to advertise with a 3x2 display box in the Weakly Output for as little as £9 a week, choosing from "Advert Style A" (illustrated) or "Advert Style B" (not shown).  I have half a mind to take them up on the offer, just so I can see what "Advert Style B" actually looks like.  It's tantalising and a clever bit of marketing, that! 

4.  that - shock and awe - they now have a football reporter (allegedly), or someone went to the match and told them about it in the pub afterwards, or they read my last post about the paper and decided.to react by creating a fictitious character solely for the purpose of rebuffing me.  (Ah, "buff"... yep, there it is... now where is "polish")

5. that it is perfectly acceptable in the classified section to sell a Golden Retriever pup alongside a photo that says underneath:  "Pic for illustration only".  So, that's what a Golden Retriever looks like?  But what does theirs look like, then, if they need to put a picture for illustration only?  Does it have two heads, webbed feet, or something? 
Whatever next?  "Serving Suggestion" next to an advert for tennis rackets for sale?

6. that the advert titled "The very best of gas fires" is not in fact a CD compilation album or a glossy coffee table book that you might leave out casually during dinner parties or when selling your home.  Rather, it precedes an advert for a gas fire which, in the opinion of the current owner, is the very best of gas fires. 

Next week, assuming I have managed to obtain a magnifying glass, I will attempt to decipher and then share with you some gems from the almost unintelligible personal classifieds.  It's amazing how many people like countryside walks and have a good sense of humour, isn't it?  It probably explains the hoots of laughter I often hear when I am taking my adopted canine friend out for a walk around the fields...