7 posts tagged “news”

Trade figures published by the Government today revealed that trade in attention moved into surplus for the first time, despite speculation that the so-called Credit Crunch might result in a flood of cheap imported attention.

Analysts have explained that the unique attention surplus was caused by two combined factors. First, that there was a significant and rapid increase in output of home-grown attention as manufacturers diversified away from traditional sectors such as trains, planes and automobiles.  Second, there was a fall in demand for imported attention because of the value of Sterling and a perception on the part of consumers that foreign attention was of a lower quality.  The recent scandal over high levels of lead content in imported Chinese attention was partly to blame for this, according to analysts who were not the same analysts mentioned earlier.

These combined factors meant that for the first time since records began - believed to be the flat disc record created by Emile Berliner in 1888 - the UK economy was a net exporter of attention.  Until the last quarter of 2008, the UK had always been in an Attention Deficit Disorder scenario.

The continued strength of US demand for attention in the last quarter of 2008 buoyed UK exporters, whilst Russian and Chinese demand for attention dropped significantly over the same period.

Referring to the unusual conditions, a Government spokesman noted that "the surplus does mean that we may need to re-think our terms of reference and terminology, perhaps instead referring to a generic Attention Status to allow for both deficits and surpluses of attention."

When it was put to the spokesman that this would actually result in an acronym of ASS for the current attention surplus situation, he clearly pretended not to hear.

The Department of Transport today warned road users to expect significant delays across the UK as the Google Street View service launched and gained excessive publicity in the country. 

The DoT reacted with concern to reports that motorists in numbers might attempt to locate and then follow in convoy one of Google's camera-equipped Street View cars or vans.

"We are highly worried that this will lead to almost complete gridlock on several key routes", said a spokesman.

Rumours have circulated on the internet over the past several days concerning the possibility of catching a blurred but recognisable image of someone falling off a bicycle, or a smudged image of a "lady" collecting a milk bottles delivery off their doorstep in their nightclothes, or perhaps the sight of someone just wearing a short skirt walking alongside the road. 

In addition, there is the mere curiosity factor which will swell the numbers of potential vehicles on the roads, warned the DoT.

One Google-Van-seeking motorist, travelling salesman Derek Bennett, 34 and single, from Solihull West Midlands, told us:

"I have my BlackBerry and my Sat Nav so I'm primed and ready to go. I do about 18,000 miles a year around the UK with my job, but I'm really looking forward to catching a glimpse of something I wouldn't ordinarily see on my travels."

"I'm ready to see the world in a totally different way than I did before."

Motoring organisations, such as the AA and RAC, have warned motorists who are not keen to follow the convoy of would-be sightseers, that they should avoid well-known Google Street View hotspots or "stay at home until the fuss dies down in a couple of days".

Details of the hotspots can be found on any web site aimed at prepubescent teens. 

In line with current thinking on exercise and public health, the UK Government is considering radical new plans to enforce a minimum pedestrian speed limit, according to leaked reports obtained by someone we know but funnily enough can't remember the name of.

Health experts have recently sought to measure "moderate exercise" and pinpointed the figure to be "one hundred steps per minute".  According to the leaked Government papers, it is this precise figure which will form the backbone of the new minimum pedestrian speed limit legislation.

Security analysts believe that the Police are in favour of the proposed law, despite the additional burden it would place on officers, because they see it as forming part of the necessary arsenal of judicial powers at their disposal to prevent terrorism, anti-social loitering and littering.  

Countryside campaigners have sought assurances from the Government that the minimum steps per minute rate would only apply in built-up areas, and that the casual walker or weekend rambler would be unaffected by the proposed laws.

It is thought that Police Officers would be empowered to show discretion when administering on-the-spot fines for law-breakers and would be equipped with new handheld radar devices to identify suspected offenders.  Discretionary powers would apply on a case-by-case basis where the elderly and infirm, injured or disabled might otherwise technically flout the law. 

Tourists, prostitutes, those pushing prams, and people pulling shopping baskets, are not believed to be amongst the exempt groups.  Special zones set up around schools with a higher steps per minute minimum will target paedophiles, slovenly students, and teachers who should have retired years ago.

If the initial law proves successful, experts predict that the technology will advance so that the rate of meandering of the person could be measured and taken into account as an additional consideration for a prosecution. 

A spokesman from Age Concern, when asked about the new law and its effect on the older citizen, expressed concern.
 

An unnamed reigning British and European boxing champion is reportedly to be charged with "bringing the sport into disrepute" by the British Boxing Board of Control (BBBC).

Photographs of the boxer, believed to be aged 27, which were posted on FaceBook came to the attention of the BBBC earlier this month.  

It is alleged that the the fighter, believed to be a light middleweight, was photographed without the customary pose of clenched fists in the familiar and highly-regulated stance of the boxer fraternity.

An inside source at the BBBC, speaking under condition of anonymity told us:  "I was appalled when I first saw them - to be honest, it was like a video nasty.  To see a well-respected, well-known and successful boxer recklessly flouting the established laws of boxing in this way - well, it made my stomach churn."

The boxer told "our man" that on one occasion a photographer had caught him off-guard at a children's party and, on another, he had been doing his weekly supermarket shop.

An ex-world champion who was able to comment had no sympathy.

"Frankly, he's a disgrace to the noble profession of boxing. He really should know better. Look at Calzaghe - even wearing a suit and in the midst of a journo scrum outside a courtroom he's able to follow the rules. Now there's a model pro."

If the case of disrepute is proved, the BBBC has the power to enforce an 18-month ban from the sport and the immediate loss of all current titles.

The body responsible for the running of Formula One, the FIA, has dismissed claims from several unnamed sources that it is "quite literally making the rules up as it goes along."

Reports have circled widely in recent days as to whether Grands Prix in the upcoming Formula One Championship would be decided on a first-past-the-post basis or by Proportional Representation (PR).  The FIA has not confirmed or denied these reports, but we understand that intense meetings have been taking place this week.

Friend of the media, Max Mosley, was unavailable for direct comment, but a source told us that there were "a number of things on the table and that beating them into shape was a priority."

Around the teams - currently testing for the forthcoming season - several rumours have emerged which were causing significant unrest amongst the millionaire playboys:

- a new "best dressed driver" category will replace the previously floated "rear of the year" award
- a "best of breed" system will be used for the first time, although critics claim that such ethnic profiling would break a number of national and international laws.
- a new points system based on the numbered position of grid qualification to the power of final race position divided by the number of law suits against the FIA entered into by that team in the previous 48 months.
- new points weightings based on "technical merit" and "artistic impression" parameters, yet to be divulged.
- that the F.I.A has not yet decided and in fact has no clue at all, and will probably decide who has won the championship "after the fact" and probably in court.

A FIA spokesperson was unable to provide confirmation of these rumours but did ask us if we knew anything about cars and had any ideas.

Scientists and space boffins in the UK will not be dropping their ambitious plans to map gravity despite the successful launch of the European Space Agency's own Goce satellite system this week, according to an insider.

It is believed that significant amounts of the funding secured in 2002 for the UK scheme has already been "committed" to the project. Which means, according to experts, that it has been spent.

Our insider told us. "Of course, it's a blow to the programme and we wish the ESA people had spoken to us first because it's clearly duplication of efforts.  But, we've now got all these 100 kilogramme paint bombs, so we might as well use them."

The UK team is keen to complete the project which consists of an aircraft flying just below the outer reaches of the Earth's atmosphere. Many thousands of "paint bombs" will then be dropped. The resultant "landfalls" will be used to map gravity.

"We're still confident that our own method of mapping gravity has scientific merit. The team is sure that our paint bomb approach will surely cause some surprises", said our insider.

An ESA spokesman was unable to comment due to extended and uncontrollable laughter.

The 12-week old Golden Retriever pup, male ("pic for illustration only") has disappeared from the Classifieds section and therefore is either presumed to be sold or donated to the Royal Zoological Society for further scientific study.

Part of me is quite saddened by this turn of events.
 
But, it's the same part of me that thinks that a "relaxing massage" service called "Body Strokes" sounds like it's going to do more harm than good. 

So, it's nothing to worry about.  I'll get over it.