5 posts tagged “newspaper”

I was going to write down my thoughts about the shameless acts of "journalism" perpetrated recently by The (Scottish) Express Newspaper, "hack" Paula Murray and Editorial Director Paul Ashford about the survivors of the Dunblane school massacre. 

But, instead I'll point you toward Graham Linehan's piece (below).  It's a far more eloquent, insightful and weighty overview and commentary on the story than I could have achieved.  But, it represents my views completely.

http://whythatsdelightful.wordpress.com/2009/03/18/the-express-wins-the-race-to-the-bottom/

Please read it and if you feel strongly enough act on it. 

On the other hand, if you really think it is justifiable for a journalist to

a) cynically add specific young people to their Facebook friends with a view to ambushing them when they turn 18 years old
b) then splash what are normal "exploits" of teenagers all over the pages of a national newspaper 
c) with a view to making them appear disrespectful of their friends who died at Dunblane

then don't act on it, just hang your head in shame. 

Being just a few observations based on the latest edition of the free weekly newspaper that was delivered to my door earlier today. 

Actually, to be fair, they went above and beyond delivering it to my door.  The deliverer actually put it through the door too.  Bravo!   Regular readers will know that this is above and beyond and then just past the ring road over the lights until you get to the main carriageway and then a bit further still when compared to the sometime destination of said newspapers - namely en masse in a hedgerow, verge or bit of waste ground somewhere around the village boundaries.

Anyway, without further delay, my observations:

1.  A robbery involving a perp(etrator) with a knife in the town does not a culture of the knife make.

2.  The sighting of a rat in a busy shopping street (during rush-hour) does not a plague make.

3.  An advert for a "Pet Crematorium" underneath an article about a disease of horses does not a good taste in the mouth make.

4.  The personal ads section of the paper does not an appearance make.  It's completely missing.  So, I think we will just have to assume that all of the advertisers in the last issues have been paired off and are now living happily ever after, currently enjoying quiet nights in or out, giving and/or receiving TLC, walking in the countryside together, and enjoying each other's good senses of humours. 

Or they've been culled.

Dear Reader,

Almost literally and quite recklessly pouring scalding water on the heels of last week's Weekly Output, I was surprised (and somewhat elated - I don't get out much) to find this week's publication provocatively sticking out of my letterbox. 

I was surprised on two counts. Firstly, that it came so soon (No, don't even!!).  Secondly, that it was indeed not to be found in a hedgerow, retrieved from a skip nor otherwise sourced from one of the many other places that it might have been "delivered" around the margins of the village.  Yip!  I could almost do a jig, if I actually knew how to do one without injury or embarrassment.  I will simply bop up and down a little in my chair in its stead. 

[This is a bad sign.  I'm digressing before I have even started.  It's the interminable loneliness and lack of human social interaction.  Oh, actually - no it's not, it's just how I am inclined to be.]

I promised I would - threatening my eyesight in the process, I will add - report on the Personals section of the Weakly Output.  I will do that in due course.

But, first:

Organic Body Launches
Compostable Bag

I don't know about you, but that's not an image I really want suggested to my very suggestible grey stuff.  Or is that just me, reading too much into it and imagining something quite morbid and tasteless?  Be honest - what's your first reaction to that headline... ?  I may have watched too many episodes of Taggart, perhaps.  Although having written that, I must admit I can't remember too many episodes where I actually hung on until the bitter credit roll end.  Hmm....mmurrrddrrr.  Tggrrrrt.

Second, there is still no sign of the mythical beast which is "Advert Style B" (see previous Weakly Output post).  One of these days I will have to

a) create a new business at Companies House then,
b) buy some office space and purchase the necessary equipment and staff for running said business and then,
c) provide a commercial service or otherwise provide goods to the public at large and then,
d) place an advert in the Weakly Output choosing "Advert Style B" in the coupon.
e) send the filled out coupon with my cheque.
f) wait patiently.

Just because.  I want to see it. 

Third, our "Pic for illustration only" Golden Retriever pup (male, cream, 12 weeks old) is still for sale.  It seems that he has been 12 weeks old for some time now.  If you can imagine it, the photo is a bit like that anti-clubbing photo which was "all-the-rage" a few years ago.  Seal clubbing, that is.  Not night clubbing.  You must remember it - big round baleful eyes, white fur, looking up as if pleading that Athena was only a Greek Goddess and not a poster company?.  It was similar to that other cliched photo - the one with the whale on it where the tail is splashing plumes of water into the air as it surfaces and then dives because it got shy.  Every student house had at least one.  Anyway, I think they need to change their strategy with this "Pic for illustration only".  It's not working.  It put me off and I cannot help but think that it is off-putting to other potential purchasers as well. I can't even be classed as "potential" and my off is definitely put somewhere where it is not going to see the light of day.
The whole thing does provoke more questions than it answers, it must be said. 
Maybe I will call them and ask.  It's someone to talk to, after all.

Fourth, you guessed it. I didn't find a magnifying glass so I could view the personals ads.  I will, however, report back to you shortly on what I gained from perusing them and what eyesight damage I suffered in the process.  With a bit of luck, there will be some interesting tidbits to share with you.   If not, then my eyes will have suffered needlessly.  But, that's the risk I am willing to take for you.

Ah, Dear Reader, you perhaps thought (and hoped!) that I had forgotten about my already-irregular-and-infrequent-after-only-one-week-of-posting-it regular column on the weekly free newspaper which often adorns my local hedgerows when it is not delivered free to my door? 

Trouble your mind no more, Dear Reader, for here it is, hot off the presses - although somewhat colder once it was retrieved from the bundle inside a skip on the other side of the village near the motorway.

This week in the Weakly Output, we learn many things:

1.  that it is perfectly possible to construct a challenging word search puzzle from only nine words pertaining to a local car valet business.

2.  that there is a new supplier of building plastics opening in the town (double-page spread no less!) - yay!  The local retail jigsaw puzzle is now complete!  How did we survive before this Gift from Upon High? 
Visit them today for "unmatched service" the advert says - which presumably means they haven't quite got enough of the branded overalls to go around, or something?
By the way, guttering and the like seems now to be termed "roofline solutions" apparently, which to my mind makes perfect sense.  (There's "shine" and "wax" - this is too easy!)

3.  that you can choose to advertise with a 3x2 display box in the Weakly Output for as little as £9 a week, choosing from "Advert Style A" (illustrated) or "Advert Style B" (not shown).  I have half a mind to take them up on the offer, just so I can see what "Advert Style B" actually looks like.  It's tantalising and a clever bit of marketing, that! 

4.  that - shock and awe - they now have a football reporter (allegedly), or someone went to the match and told them about it in the pub afterwards, or they read my last post about the paper and decided.to react by creating a fictitious character solely for the purpose of rebuffing me.  (Ah, "buff"... yep, there it is... now where is "polish")

5. that it is perfectly acceptable in the classified section to sell a Golden Retriever pup alongside a photo that says underneath:  "Pic for illustration only".  So, that's what a Golden Retriever looks like?  But what does theirs look like, then, if they need to put a picture for illustration only?  Does it have two heads, webbed feet, or something? 
Whatever next?  "Serving Suggestion" next to an advert for tennis rackets for sale?

6. that the advert titled "The very best of gas fires" is not in fact a CD compilation album or a glossy coffee table book that you might leave out casually during dinner parties or when selling your home.  Rather, it precedes an advert for a gas fire which, in the opinion of the current owner, is the very best of gas fires. 

Next week, assuming I have managed to obtain a magnifying glass, I will attempt to decipher and then share with you some gems from the almost unintelligible personal classifieds.  It's amazing how many people like countryside walks and have a good sense of humour, isn't it?  It probably explains the hoots of laughter I often hear when I am taking my adopted canine friend out for a walk around the fields...

... but this is another blatant video post in lieu of something more interesting.
Another poem, who knows. Where'er. The. Wind. Blows.

I was feeling a bit down in the dumps tonight.  Even the free delivered (when it's not in a hedgerow, that is) local newspaper didn't inspire as much mirth as it usually does.  I think ordinarily the advert for "LOL Electricals" would have induced at the very least a significant giggle.  Tonight it did not even muster a minor snicker.  The advert for the local football team where they obviously intended to insert something (I am assuming a numeric age, but see below) at a later date didn't even raise a chuckle.  At another time, the headline "Free football for under" and the accompanying text "All home matches from now until the end of the season are free to under _______" (yes, it really did have the underscores) would have registered something on the Snickter Scale.  I don't feel like Chucklin' Tonight. 

So, in an effort to change my languid and somwhat dour mood I turn to a trusted, reliable, ever-ready, friend.  The "Big Train" DVD.  And in particular, the Chairman Mao / Bryan Ferry sketch at the end of Series One - featuring the talents of actor Kevin Eldon (I wonder whatever happened to that picture above the bed of him in the Mao pose? - anyone know?).   I hope that the sketch brings the same enjoyment to you as it did to me. Actually, more so - because.you are worth it, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.  Because you are.  

Big Train: Chairman Mao does Bryan Ferry

On a side note, if you have comedic suggestions for the missing word or words in the local football team piece in the newspaper, then please let me know. 

Post a comment with your suggestion.  There are no prizes except for my eternal admiration and gratitude, and the warm fuzzy feeling you'll get.